haevateinn

I’m still here, I swear! (All two of my readers!)

More to come. I’m gonna get back to this.

Disclaimer: This was written on very little sleep. Damn you, creepypasta!

I’m not one to scare easily, but last night I broke one of the cardinal rules of the internet. Namely, don’t indulge in creepypasta after dark.

You mean that’s not one of the cardinal rules? You sure as hell could’ve fooled me!

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It curled up against her like a lover, brushing hair aside as it whispered poison into her ear. When she looked down all she saw was shadows.

She swore vengeance on the spectre, words solidifying her fate surely as any arrow loosed into a battlefield.

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Sometimes I feel like I have the worst luck imaginable. When I say this, I feel like a petulant child throwing a tantrum on the carpet. However, it may not be just my imagination as this fact has been pointed out by others.

I started a new job in January, and a month later I was laid off for not being a “good fit”. I’ll avoid most of the details, as I’m trying to still work to get on unemployment. I will state that being laid off during a training period sucks, and in a way I find myself relieved that I didn’t have to stay in that environment.

I write this post for myself, to vent frustration out into the void. I find myself paralyzed with fear that this will happen again, as it has before. I worry that I’ll never be able to function as a proper adult because my brain works with the left hand in terms of thought patterns, when society demands I work with my right. Someone described ADD as being metal music in the soul, another said it was the hunter’s brain.

Right now, I see it as further proof I will never succeed or be satisfied at simple automation. That I will always fail as an adult. I feel like a whiny entitled brat for having such thoughts, but every job I’ve held ends with similar results. I’m easily bored by most tasks, not able to hold onto simple detail or routine.

I’ve tried.

This is the second time I’ve been told to “ride the wave” by Flamehair, but I feel like I’m drowning. If I wasn’t held aloft by the wonderful community I have, I think I might have sunk to the bottom long ago.

It always comes back to this basic problem. I dream of better things, yet I’m too paralyzed to move. I can only see bars around me. I used to mock those that were unwilling to free themselves and here I am making excuses. “I can’t survive doing this. I can’t get into this field with no experience. My writing is awful. I’m awful. Why bother? They’ll figure it out eventually anyway.”

I’ve considered moving far, making a big change. I considered teaching abroad in Japan, only to see terrible warnings about how terrible the working conditions can be. Is this another excuse not to try? Another act of self-sabotage?

I wish I knew. I really do.

I seek ways of escape. The world in my head is so much better, but my adult-side knows that it’s not reality. I can tell the difference. I just feel better here. Still, I feel bad pushing the discussion on other people. And roleplay doesn’t work when no one else wants to explore the same stories. So what outlet do I have?

I didn’t intend for this to be a feelings journal. It’s why I’ve been avoiding talking about anything relevant here, or on social media. And yet, here we are.

Thanks, void, for listening.

I had an exciting weekend running about playing pretend. Really, that was the theme of this last weekend.

Now, I’ve never really hidden the fact I’ve tumbled down the geek rabbithole and started larping. In fact, I’ve posted some about it on different social media platforms like Facebook. I came about the hobby after I moved to Western New York to pursue graduate school in anthropology. I fell in with some friends involved in the hobby, and with some cajoling they persuaded me to show up. Literally, it was all for science. (“But think of what an interesting ethnography it would be!”)

And then, to put it in the words of my old dead liberal racist forebears (because what else are you going to call early anthropologists?), I “went native”.

Where’s one of those “I regret nothing!” memes when you need them? I suppose I’ll slip one in here later.

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Pants are for the weak. Clearly.

While I’ve been toying with the idea of a blog, the inception of this particular one is something of a crazy random happenstance.

I mostly say this because I love the phrase crazy random happenstance, but it’s really not far from the mark. A friend wanted me to contribute to his blog post, and signing up was the easiest way to roll up my sleeves and jump in.

I don’t really have a plan. Much like my writing, I have fancy notions and I’ll dive right in. I don’t even have a focus, because as any that know me can tell you, I’m not one for that sort of limits. My interests are varied, and it’s highly likely that I’ll flit my topic to topic according to my whims. That said, you’ll probably hear a lot about geek culture, gaming, media, paganism, and whatever else. It may get strange in this forest, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I tend to view life through an anthropological lens, so that hat may come out from time to time.

When I’m lazy, I like to write that I’m textbook enigmatic, which is a line pilfered from Doctor Who. I’m assuming at this juncture that those that see this have already met me, but knowing the powers of the internet that may change at any point. So here’s the basic run-down.

I’m a young woman living in New York. I grew up with a wonderful family, and a mother that raised me to be a free thinker. I’m forever grateful for this fact, as it allows me to constantly re-evaluate information, and admit when I was wrong. I did some of that last night in a debate.

My background is in anthropology, and I focused on geek culture and religions. I also have an interest in programming and infosec. And poi, and cross-stitch, and writing, and storytelling,  and…

Oh, and I have ADD. I was diagnosed last year, with the inattentive subtype. I’ve always been a dreamer. In describing my experience, someone made the apt description that it was like being at a metal show and putting your head between the speakers to drown out the sound.

I’m a devotional polytheist, and open about my paganism. Despite this, I’m a bit shy about talking to others about these experiences, but I may end up writing some about it eventually. I have a strong relationship with Loki, that I’m terrible at defining. Some use the term priestess, some oracle, and some use more modern terms, but the term godspouse still makes me twitchy. For the record, I’m not talking about Loki as the Marvel antagonist. I don’t care how pretty Tom Hiddleston is, that’s not who I give my worship to. That said, I’m cool with that man reading me poetry any time and he’s a talented actor. I’m a devotee of the Morrigan, who is the sovereign deity of Ulster. My mother’s side of the family is from Donegal, so this was more appropriate than I originally anticipated. I tend to steal notions from all different religions, mostly along the lines of “don’t be a jerk”.

Speaking of Loki, this blog name Hævateinn is a reference tied to him in Norse stories. It’s a variation of a handle I’ve used for a long time, Lævateinn , but it’s been over a decade and I’m finding it harder to find available. Ironically, Lævateinn  may be an emendation of the former so this might work out better.

In Fjölsvinnsmál, Hævateinn is Loki’s weapon. It translates to “damage twig”.  Lopt is another name for Loki. Per Benjamin Thorpe’s translation:

26. Tell me, Fiölsvith! etc.

whether there be any weapon,

before which Vidofnir may

fall to Hel´s abode?

27. Hævatein the twig is named,

and Lopt plucked it,

down by the gate of Death.

In an iron chest it lies

with Sinmoera,

and is with nine strong locks secured

There’s speculation that the weapon is a magic staff instead of a sword. I’ve always liked that thought. And  yes, I took the reference from wikipedia. This is what happens when I write while on lunch at work. :3