My Latest Patheos Article: Loki

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[003] ♛ Riding the Wave

rubyexe

Sometimes I feel like I have the worst luck imaginable. When I say this, I feel like a petulant child throwing a tantrum on the carpet. However, it may not be just my imagination as this fact has been pointed out by others.

I started a new job in January, and a month later I was laid off for not being a “good fit”. I’ll avoid most of the details, as I’m trying to still work to get on unemployment. I will state that being laid off during a training period sucks, and in a way I find myself relieved that I didn’t have to stay in that environment.

I write this post for myself, to vent frustration out into the void. I find myself paralyzed with fear that this will happen again, as it has before. I worry that I’ll never be able to function as a proper adult because my brain works with the left hand in terms of thought patterns, when society demands I work with my right. Someone described ADD as being metal music in the soul, another said it was the hunter’s brain.

Right now, I see it as further proof I will never succeed or be satisfied at simple automation. That I will always fail as an adult. I feel like a whiny entitled brat for having such thoughts, but every job I’ve held ends with similar results. I’m easily bored by most tasks, not able to hold onto simple detail or routine.

I’ve tried.

This is the second time I’ve been told to “ride the wave” by Flamehair, but I feel like I’m drowning. If I wasn’t held aloft by the wonderful community I have, I think I might have sunk to the bottom long ago.

It always comes back to this basic problem. I dream of better things, yet I’m too paralyzed to move. I can only see bars around me. I used to mock those that were unwilling to free themselves and here I am making excuses. “I can’t survive doing this. I can’t get into this field with no experience. My writing is awful. I’m awful. Why bother? They’ll figure it out eventually anyway.”

I’ve considered moving far, making a big change. I considered teaching abroad in Japan, only to see terrible warnings about how terrible the working conditions can be. Is this another excuse not to try? Another act of self-sabotage?

I wish I knew. I really do.

I seek ways of escape. The world in my head is so much better, but my adult-side knows that it’s not reality. I can tell the difference. I just feel better here. Still, I feel bad pushing the discussion on other people. And roleplay doesn’t work when no one else wants to explore the same stories. So what outlet do I have?

I didn’t intend for this to be a feelings journal. It’s why I’ve been avoiding talking about anything relevant here, or on social media. And yet, here we are.

Thanks, void, for listening.